The tenth installment in the Friday the 13th series, aptly titled, is a bonkers ride. Navigating this insane travesty is like walking through a mind field, where one wrong step could easily send gallons of green Nickelodeon goo spraying up in your face. Do you know of any other horror franchise, not containing giant monsters from Japan, that has so many films? Editor’s Note: Apparently, the Witchcraft series has 16 movies, so fuck. Anyway, it’s still a lot. It took a while longer for Jason to get to space than some of his other horror villain counterparts, but he finally made it. Let’s give it up for the man!
We start with David Cronenburg…yeah, what? The guy has always been eccentric, so I guess he thought it would be a hoot. Aaaannnnd, now he’s dead. Random lady tries to cryo-freeze Jason…why didn’t the campers ever try this? Hehe. Enter the people from the future.
In the future, everyone wears trench coats, and fly around in spaceships that look like shuttlecocks. Men are still horny dicks, cowboy hats are still a thing, but hockey was outlawed years ago. When Jason comes out of his freezy coma, everyone except the hot doctor is having sex so that no one will care when they die in a little while. Hot doctor lady should have found someone to bone herself, because she gets her face frozen and smashed to bits on the counter (one of the two coolest moments in the movie). From here we get death after boring death, only pausing to throw in the occasional terrible one liner.
I’m yawning now, my body physically telling what my fingers haven’t yet. The middle of this movie is a fucking snoozer. The beginning is full of humor, intentional and otherwise, but the middle makes me want to curl up with my dog and read some manga. I’ll power through just for you, dear reader, but next time you run into me at the grocery store, I expect a hug and a Reese’s peanut butter cup.
Ok, back to the movie. The smart guy just banged the android and then magically, in a couple minutes, turned her into the terminator….this means that he definitely had premature ejaculation. She commences to robot-ninja the hell out of Jason, comically shooting off his limbs and face. Too bad she killed him on top of the one machine that can somehow rebuild him into a tank. But who cares! This is the reason why we are here! Uber-Jason, though this guy won’t give you an affordable ride to Pottery Barn. In fact, he looks more like he should be fighting Ninja Turtles and shouting, “Kraaaannnnnggg!”.
That’s a Shredder joke kids.
Jason is now buffer than he ever was before. Punching people’s heads off and such. I wonder if the little nanobots that rebuilt him also made him super handsome under that mask. So many questions.
And yada, yada, yada, movie ends.
I had to torrent this one, as this is actually the only installment I don’t own, so the picture is pretty bad – but I am not so sure it would be very good anyway. The cinematography is probably not going to be a real selling point here. I don’t believe we got to see near enough Uber-Jason, and I never cared about the characters – but have I ever in a Friday movie? Yes, the 4th and best one.
With a plethora of moments to make you laugh till you pee yourself, Jason X is a fantastic example of how the worst in horror can become the best in comedy.
(2001) Directed by James Isaac, who did special effects on Gremlins.
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