The tenth installment in the Friday the 13th series, aptly titled, is a bonkers ride. Navigating this insane travesty is like walking through a mind field, where one wrong step could easily send gallons of green Nickelodeon goo spraying up in your face. Do you know of any other horror franchise, not containing giant monsters from Japan, that has so many films? Editor’s Note: Apparently, the Witchcraft series has 16 movies, so fuck. Anyway, it’s still a lot. It took a while longer for Jason to get to space than some of his other horror villain counterparts, but he finally made it. Let’s give it up for the man!
We start with David Cronenburg…yeah, what? The guy has always been eccentric, so I guess he thought it would be a hoot. Aaaannnnd, now he’s dead. Random lady tries to cryo-freeze Jason…why didn’t the campers ever try this? Hehe. Enter the people from the future.
In the future, everyone wears trench coats, and fly around in spaceships that look like shuttlecocks. Men are still horny dicks, cowboy hats are still a thing, but hockey was outlawed years ago. When Jason comes out of his freezy coma, everyone except the hot doctor is having sex so that no one will care when they die in a little while. Hot doctor lady should have found someone to bone herself, because she gets her face frozen and smashed to bits on the counter (one of the two coolest moments in the movie). From here we get death after boring death, only pausing to throw in the occasional terrible one liner.
I’m yawning now, my body physically telling what my fingers haven’t yet. The middle of this movie is a fucking snoozer. The beginning is full of humor, intentional and otherwise, but the middle makes me want to curl up with my dog and read some manga. I’ll power through just for you, dear reader, but next time you run into me at the grocery store, I expect a hug and a Reese’s peanut butter cup.
Ok, back to the movie. The smart guy just banged the android and then magically, in a couple minutes, turned her into the terminator….this means that he definitely had premature ejaculation. She commences to robot-ninja the hell out of Jason, comically shooting off his limbs and face. Too bad she killed him on top of the one machine that can somehow rebuild him into a tank. But who cares! This is the reason why we are here! Uber-Jason, though this guy won’t give you an affordable ride to Pottery Barn. In fact, he looks more like he should be fighting Ninja Turtles and shouting, “Kraaaannnnnggg!”.
That’s a Shredder joke kids.
Jason is now buffer than he ever was before. Punching people’s heads off and such. I wonder if the little nanobots that rebuilt him also made him super handsome under that mask. So many questions.
And yada, yada, yada, movie ends.
I had to torrent this one, as this is actually the only installment I don’t own, so the picture is pretty bad – but I am not so sure it would be very good anyway. The cinematography is probably not going to be a real selling point here. I don’t believe we got to see near enough Uber-Jason, and I never cared about the characters – but have I ever in a Friday movie? Yes, the 4th and best one.
With a plethora of moments to make you laugh till you pee yourself, Jason X is a fantastic example of how the worst in horror can become the best in comedy.
(2001) Directed by James Isaac, who did special effects on Gremlins.
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I came to Evil Dead 2 late. After all, in 1987 I was only six, and as cool as my mom was – not censoring me and such – she didn’t go out of her way to show me gory stuff. Years later, when I was eleven or so, I started renting my own videos with money I earned mowing lawns. I was already obsessed with horror movies, even though at that time I had only seen a handful.
The fixation came a couple of years earlier. My mom took me to the movies with my aunt. We saw two films that day – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for me, and Arachnophobia for them. I was a crazy TMNT fan, because what kid wasn’t at that point, but it was Arachnophobia that stuck with me. We all know that movie isn’t all that fear inducing, but at the time it freaked me out. I was checking my shoes, drawers, blankets, and shower for spiders for weeks.
I became fascinated by how much the movie got to me and loved it, so when I started renting videos, they were almost always from the horror section – which was pretty substantial for such a small town. Funny enough, I had rented Army of Darkness several times without ever knowing that it was a sequel to something. When I finally picked up Evil Dead II from the shelf – they didn’t have Evil Dead – I was blown away, not just by the movie itself, but from the moment I realized it was the same characters as AoD. Obviously, like everyone worth a damn, I’ve been a big fan ever since, so when Ash vs. Evil Dead was announced, I was over the bloody red moon.
I don’t have STARZ, and I go back and forth on whether to torrent stuff, so I didn’t see the show until I got it on blu-ray. With the release of the second season just last week, I decided to re-watch season one, and have had it on for a few days in the background while I worked. Going into it the first time, I was convinced that it would let me down, and not be a worthy addition to the franchise. I mean, think of all the other shows based off horror movies, and you can see why I would be skeptical. Ever seen the Friday the 13th show…..yeah. I am thrilled to say that the show is amazing, and truly holds up to the impossibly high bar I set for it.
The one liners come fast and furious, both funny and so-horrible-it’s funny. All of the effects are great, and keep with the Sam Raimi signature style for the most part. The music is equally wonderful; both the score and song choices. Bruce Campbell hasn’t really changed at all, and that is a good thing. In fact, I would venture to say that his best portrayal of Ash is in this show. As silly as it all is, the character gets a little more depth. The addition of Lucy Lawless as Ruby makes for an interesting WB reunion, and she is still a badass. I think her character gets a little more interesting in season two, but that’s not really a complaint.
To give away the plot would be a massive disservice for anyone who hasn’t gotten the chance to see it yet, but in a nut shell: Ash and his companions go on a quest to destroy the deadites by destroying the Necronomicon, which eventually takes them back to the cabin and an ending that I didn’t expect. I may do another one of these when I finish season two, but we’ll see. I give this season 4.5 stars only because the second season is better – so far anyway, I’ve got two episodes to go.
I recently watched a film with my wife, like I do quite often, and it inspired me to start up a new post series. We all know the concept of so-bad-it’s-good horror movies. There are a lot of them. Movies that make you laugh hysterically, making everyone watching turn into the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Most of these movies are completely forgettable, but there are a few that stand above the rest, so I will occasionally post a piece on The Best of the Worst. First up, the film that inspired it all, Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf aka Stirba-Werewolf Bitch. I had not seen this one before, but it is a masterpiece of mediocrity.
I love when I get a sense that at some point, the creators of a movie had every intention of making something grand, but early in the process realized they had something that could be described as nothing other than ridiculous. Instead of whining about it and making crap, they embrace the stupid and make it as gosh darn stupid as they can, yet play it completely straight. ‘Merica!
They actually hired the incomparable Christopher Lee to be in this shit, a fact that I am sure keeps him tossing and turning in his grave. RIP. For all my dead homies.
I am going to write this piece as I watch the film again, hopefully I can write deftly enough to make it something more than a stream of thought – but I make no guarantees, a I will also be drinking heavily.
Let’s begin with the trailer; available on the DVD, but you can watch it here. The trailer doesn’t actually seem that silly, though if I were to see it for the first time, I would think, “Hey, this is a werewolf movie right? Where are the werewolves?” You may also think to yourself, “That is a pretty good song”, and you would be right! It is certainly one of the better made-for-horror-movie-from-the-80’s-with-title-of-movie-in-the-name tracks I have ever heard. Unfortunately, you will hear that song about 12 times as you watch the film.
from Shout! Factory
Now on with the show!
We begin with Christopher Lee reading dramatically from a book. I have never heard anyone say the word “fornications” with such gusto. He really put his back into it. Cue the 80’s soundtrack!
No one could blame you if you watched the beginning of this film and thought it was going to be more akin to the fantastic movie that preceded it. A well filmed funeral, Christopher Lee acting like the perfect creeper; it seems so normal. Then we get our first taste of the Howling II theme song, and Lee wearing some truly spectacular shades with his brown leather jacket– and all hope for normality gets trampled to death on the dance floor.
Now is a good time to discuss the werewolf makeup. It is about as bad as it can get, and completely inconsistent. Sometimes we are treated with naked bodies covered in long, sparse hairs. Sometimes a nose will crinkle a bit. However, never do we actually see a full on werewolf in this movie. The closest we get is a couple of quick close ups of rubber masks that have nothing to do with the characters in the scene they are shown, a set of furry arms penetrating the camera from nowhere. I am pretty sure I could make a better looking werewolf if I shaved my body, dumped the hair in glue, and poured it on my chihuahua/terrier mix.
Lee does his utmost to make the worst, most stereotypical lines sound as dramatic as they can be. These werewolves aren’t normal, and they basically follow vampire rules. They are too strong for silver bullets, and can only be killed by piercing the heart with…bum bum bum…titanium! Also, they are located in Transylvania, because why not. Lee is basically Van Helsing for the furries. Oh, and they can be killed by holy water…what?
I would speak on the two main actors, other than Lee and Danning, but I would have nothing to say. Their acting is the worst, and their existence is useless. Instead, let’s focus on the dwarf that runs around like a ninja wearing a shirt covered in bags, or the suave were-man that likes to howl lightly at woman that pass by and can’t keep his hairy crotch to himself. Maybe some of the many weird folks that hang out at Stirba’s place, getting all orgy with it.
The movie is full of unintentional laughter moments, because everything is simply silly. The person the couple hires to show them around looks more like a werewolf than the guys with make-up on. They are staying in room 666 in a hotel that has 3 floors. Werewolf sex is about as erotic as a date to the Olive Garden with your cousin (unless of course that does it for you). Stirba has a weird bat on her magic pole thing that comes to life and impregnates some dude with more weird bats.
The rest I am going to let you discover for yourself, and as bad as it is, I highly recommend seeing it. You won’t regret it. Heh, that’s a lie – you probably will. I need to remember that not everyone is like me. Now, I will leave you with the end credits of the film, in which you can see the moment Stirba rips off her clothes 17 times – I shit you not. Watch it, it's hilarious.
In the pale, pale light. The pale, pale light of the moon glow…….
Stay tuned. I am going to do a piece on Ash vs. Evil Dead, and it looks like Sleepaway Camp ran away with the votes this time, so I will be starting that marathon very soon. Kisses.
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