Wish Upon (2017)
John R. Leonetti, director of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, The Butterfly Effect 2, and Annabelle
You are a fan of horror movies, right? I thought so, cuz why else would you be here? I’m a fan too obviously. As a fan, you and I know that lots of disbelief has to be suspended in our horror world. I like to point that stuff out in reviews because it can make for some humorous riffs, but in general, I have to take everything as it comes.
Questions abound, hopping around in your face like little bunnies with something to say. I wanted to enjoy the film. The Asian box was cool looking. Why did they have to make such a shit movie around such an awesome box?
The acting is…..present and accounted for. Wasn’t Ryan Phillipe going to be a thing at some point? Cruel Intentions, some other shit, and now a bargain basement anti-horror flick that will be in the Wal-Mart bargain bin within 4 months. God, I love that bargain bin. Hear my prayer and never, ever get rid of the bargain bin.
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Prefer to have an orgasm rather than watch this shitty movie? I don't blame you at all. Head on over to Adam & Eve and pick yourself up something nice to help facilitate your desires.
The Babysitter (2017)
McG, director of the Charlie’s Angels movies and That shitty Terminator with Christian Bale.
Cole, too old for babysitters but still with a regular named Bee, is a typical geek. Picked and stepped on. Bee treats him well though. She is young, hot, and totally cool. That is, until Cole finds out that she only got close to him to use him as a human sacrifice for a demon. Twist!
The movie suffers a bit from the traditional formula of kill, kill, kill. Most of the cast is present to die. This is all too common in horror and isn’t really a bad thing, I just think that this film could have been a little smarter with how much it has going for it. I don’t know what would need to change to facilitate my perfect happiness, but it lacks something. Zazz.
Netflix has brought out some pretty exciting movies and shows, and I am continually impressed with the kind of stuff they are willing to take a chance on. It doesn’t all work, but enough does that the future of the service is nice and bright. Don’t sleep on this one before Netflix buries it in their impossible to fully navigate interface and you never find it again.
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It Comes at Night (2017)
Trey Edward Shults
Editor’s Note: Please account for the alcohol creeping through my veins like adolescent worms in the girl’s locker room.
This review shall be in real time, because why not? Well sort of. I am 20 minutes in and still I know not what is going down. I think there is a disease making folks unfriendly. A family is holed up, trying to keep others out.
The main actor, Joel Edgerton, looks so much like Jeremiah Johnson that I can’t concentrate on anything else. My wife isn’t feeling well and that upsets me.
Are we sure that I am not watching an episode of The Walking Dead? Because if I am, I am going to be super upset that I have to re-write this. Really though, I haven’t seen a zombie, but the feeling is very similar. People are the real monsters, yada, yada. Can Jeremiah trust the new people? Fuck no, don’t be stupid. People suck.
I mean it though. People really do suck. Better to find one you like and likes you. Then just hole up and wait for death while trying to have as much sex as you can. That is, in all reality, the meaning of life. See, these drunk posts are for the good of all mankind. If only more people read this crap, I could save the world.
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