The Stuff (1985)
Larry Cohen. Q, and the It’s Alive movies
Old man finds bubbling white shit in the snowy ground. What would you do if you found that? Eat it? That’s the only correct answer. Next time you find some goopy shit on the ground, you eat it, and you eat it right away. It tastes good – I promise!
The movie is full of genuine humor. Michael Moriarty and Garrett Morris are fantastic as Mo Rutherford and Chocolate Chip Charlie respectively. They play their parts so well, and their back and forth is hilarious.
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Back when I was a young boy of 10, my aunt and mother took me to the movies. We were seeing a double feature that day, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for me and Arachnophobia for them. It was an insanely memorable experience. I was a fanatic when it came to the turtles, as I think every kid my age was. But it was Arachnophobia that changed my life. As far as I can remember, it was my first horror movie and opened up a giant revolving door that is still spinning today.
First the tarantula builds a giant cluster of webs which isn’t something they do, then it magically gives birth to a completely different species – the common wolf spider. Biology isn’t important when it comes to spider movies and never has been. These wolf spiders start spreading around town, killing folks, and confusing everyone. The now infamous scene with the spider that jumps on a showering girl and slides down between her breasts is classic.
Jeff Daniels crashes from the upstairs through to the cellar. This is the queen spider’s nest and she isn’t happy to see ol’ Jeff. She jumps at him, runs at him, walks up slowly to him – all of the classic spider moves. Still, he is able to kill her – though it takes fire and then getting shot with some kind of nail harpoon gun thingy for it to work. I love how the spiders make that squeaky sound that makes no sense. It almost makes them cute.
For any fan of spider movies, this is obviously a must see. Despite all the silly, it can still make you check your sheets at night and your shoes before putting them on.
As always, feel free to comment below with any thoughts. As far as what is coming soon - I am working on a review for Pet Sematary, Would You Rather?, and Be Afraid.
The tenth installment in the Friday the 13th series, aptly titled, is a bonkers ride. Navigating this insane travesty is like walking through a mind field, where one wrong step could easily send gallons of green Nickelodeon goo spraying up in your face. Do you know of any other horror franchise, not containing giant monsters from Japan, that has so many films? Editor’s Note: Apparently, the Witchcraft series has 16 movies, so fuck. Anyway, it’s still a lot. It took a while longer for Jason to get to space than some of his other horror villain counterparts, but he finally made it. Let’s give it up for the man!
We start with David Cronenburg…yeah, what? The guy has always been eccentric, so I guess he thought it would be a hoot. Aaaannnnd, now he’s dead. Random lady tries to cryo-freeze Jason…why didn’t the campers ever try this? Hehe. Enter the people from the future.
In the future, everyone wears trench coats, and fly around in spaceships that look like shuttlecocks. Men are still horny dicks, cowboy hats are still a thing, but hockey was outlawed years ago. When Jason comes out of his freezy coma, everyone except the hot doctor is having sex so that no one will care when they die in a little while. Hot doctor lady should have found someone to bone herself, because she gets her face frozen and smashed to bits on the counter (one of the two coolest moments in the movie). From here we get death after boring death, only pausing to throw in the occasional terrible one liner.
I’m yawning now, my body physically telling what my fingers haven’t yet. The middle of this movie is a fucking snoozer. The beginning is full of humor, intentional and otherwise, but the middle makes me want to curl up with my dog and read some manga. I’ll power through just for you, dear reader, but next time you run into me at the grocery store, I expect a hug and a Reese’s peanut butter cup.
Ok, back to the movie. The smart guy just banged the android and then magically, in a couple minutes, turned her into the terminator….this means that he definitely had premature ejaculation. She commences to robot-ninja the hell out of Jason, comically shooting off his limbs and face. Too bad she killed him on top of the one machine that can somehow rebuild him into a tank. But who cares! This is the reason why we are here! Uber-Jason, though this guy won’t give you an affordable ride to Pottery Barn. In fact, he looks more like he should be fighting Ninja Turtles and shouting, “Kraaaannnnnggg!”.
That’s a Shredder joke kids.
Jason is now buffer than he ever was before. Punching people’s heads off and such. I wonder if the little nanobots that rebuilt him also made him super handsome under that mask. So many questions.
And yada, yada, yada, movie ends.
I had to torrent this one, as this is actually the only installment I don’t own, so the picture is pretty bad – but I am not so sure it would be very good anyway. The cinematography is probably not going to be a real selling point here. I don’t believe we got to see near enough Uber-Jason, and I never cared about the characters – but have I ever in a Friday movie? Yes, the 4th and best one.
With a plethora of moments to make you laugh till you pee yourself, Jason X is a fantastic example of how the worst in horror can become the best in comedy.
(2001) Directed by James Isaac, who did special effects on Gremlins.
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